What’s Behind This Problem?

The Mechanism Of Ejaculation

Ejaculation consists of two parts – emission and expulsion.

Emission is where the seminal fluid enters the end of the urethra and the bladder closes during ejaculation. Emission is not associated with any particularly strong sensations, but it serves as a warning of the approach of ejaculation.

Expulsion is the second phase of ejaculation, during which semen is propelled outwards under the power of the perineal muscles. The vigorous contraction of these muscles and the explosive expulsion of semen are associated with the pleasant physical sensations of “release”.

One explanation for retarded ejaculation (abbreviated to RE or DE – the latter is shorthand for “delayed” ejaculation) is that it’s a sign of “over-control” of the ejaculatory reflex.

Could this have anything to do with delayed ejaculation?

Could this have anything to do with delayed ejaculation?

In other words, a man is stopping himself from ejaculating, consciously or unconsciously… So the question is, why won’t he “let himself go?” Ahh….. now that really is a question….

So his brain is interfering with what’s normally a reflex response of the body. And it isn’t “all or nothing”, either – some men can ejaculate with great effort and some can’t ejaculate at all – and there are plenty of men with more or less serious forms of delayed ejaculation.

Solo sex - the only route to orgasm for a man with delayed ejaculation?

Solo sex may be the only way a man can reach orgasm and ejaculate.

Orgasm and intercourse usually go together for men.

Most men wish to reach orgasm during sexual intercourse: but some simply cannot get there.

Some can only come by masturbation in the absence of a partner – a style of sexual responsiveness which has been labeled, or at least become known as, autosexuality or autoeroticism.

It needs hardly be said that delayed ejaculation can interfere with a couple’s desire to have a child. (No ejaculation? No conception?)

So this is an emotional or psychological cause of a man’s delay in ejaculating, and you can read about it here.

There Are Many Other Causes Of Retarded Ejaculation!

So what factors have been investigated as a potential cause of ejaculation problems?

Well, one group of intrepid scientists interviewed over 1600 Italian men. First they asked about physical illnesses, so they could exclude prostate problems that might lead to retrograde ejaculation.

relationships and delayed ejaculation

“How’s the relationship?” might be the most relevant question to ask men with delayed ejaculation.

They also asked about other conditions, such as problems in partner relationship, and various psychological issues. These included stress at work, sex drive, climax (or absence thereof) in the partner, medical treatment in the past three months, and general physical health, looking for such conditions as diabetes and hyperlipidemia.

Among these 1600+ men, 80 men had some degree of delay in ejaculating or total absence of ejaculation.

The scientists discovered that serotonergic drugs are a significant cause of delayed ejaculation. These drugs are prescribed for emotional issues like anxiety or depression.  

They also found that neurological diseases such as multiple sclerosis and diabetic neuropathy, and hormonal conditions like hyperprolactinaemia and hypogoandism and low testosterone are linked to delayed ejaculation.

Problems in the relationshiop may cause delays in ejaculation

Problems in the relationship may cause delays in ejaculation

Would you be surprised to learn that partners’ difficulties in reaching orgasm or low libido appeared to be a cause of delayed ejaculation?

(However, it’s important to note they could also be a consequence of difficulties in the relationship.)

In the discussion, the authors say a neurobiological approach to ejaculation problems is justified, but the most common cause of ejaculation delay is psychological

(If you don’t know what this means, it’s all about unresolved conflicts, anxiety, stress, anger, shame and guilt.)

This work showed that a delay in reaching ejaculation which is clearly attributable to psychological causes is the result of disconnection between a man’s sexual arousal and his erection. To put it bluntly, he has an erection but he’s not aroused….

This may be due to a partner’s lack of arousal (which means not very exciting sex!) or external factors like lifestyle stress, which distracts a man from the pleasant sensations of sexual activity.

Maybe he’s also inhibiting his sexual fantasies because of guilt or something similar. And maybe he’s not fully present or mindful of te sexual relationship he has with his partner.

Of course, it could even be that a man wrongly thinks he has delayed ejaculation when he actually comes in a normal time scale. That’s why the definition of DE includes a reference to the level of sexual stimulation he is getting – it has to be enough to normally make a man come….!

At the end of their paper, the authors return to the subject of SSRIs, which are serotonergic drugs used as antidepressants or an anxiolytic agents.

They say that these drugs are associated with a tenfold increase in risk of mild or moderate delayed ejaculation.  Why? Because they slow down or inhibit the ejaculatory reflex by increased central serotonergic transmission.

And while men who come quickly might think that useful, depressed men who receive SSRIs or other serotonergic drugs, delays in ejaculating can be a major problem.

Serotonergic drugs can induce various degrees of impaired ejaculation and also low sexual desire, a connection which is not often made by the patient, and sometimes not by his doctor.

More Scientific Research On Delayed Ejaculation

Dr D Richardson and Dr D Goldmeier, produced a review on how Retarded Ejaculation should be defined, managed and treated. International Journal of STD and AIDS, 2006, 17, 7-13.

Research into delayed ejaculation is important.

Research is important to establish the causes of delayed ejaculation.

They observed that scientific evidence for the origin, treatment and management of this condition is lacking.

The authors pointed out that the American Psychiatric Association definition – “the persistent or recurrent difficulty, delay in, or absence of attaining orgasm following sufficient sexual stimulation, which causes personal distress” – is confusing.

Because orgasm and ejaculation are separate and different events, (orgasm occurs in the mind and emission / ejaculation in the body) the European Association of Urology has defined anorgasmia as “a man’s inability to reach orgasm” and delayed ejaculation as “a condition which requires excessive and possibly abnormal levels of stimulation of the erect penis before orgasm and ejaculation can be achieved”.

DSM 5 has the most current definition of delayed ejaculation

DSM 5 has the most current definition of delayed ejaculation

Yet men with delayed ejaculation know it – regardless of a definition! They cannot come easily during intercourse, and boy, do they suffer because of it!

Sure, most men with delayed ejaculation can reach orgasm and ejaculate through masturbation.

But only half can have an orgasm when stimulated orally or manually by their partner. And of course, intercourse is even harder….

Back in the 1950s, Masters and Johnson observed that ejaculatory incompetence, as they termed it, can be a source of pleasure because it allows prolonged periods of intercourse.

This is a point we should keep in mind: that if a woman is able to reach a vaginal orgasm through prolonged thrusting she may be delighted with her partner’s stamina and ability to satisfy her without reaching orgasm himself. (Or she may be extremely frustrated and sore, lacking lubrication, and feeling alone and isolated. Not a great choice, eh?)

The Importance Of Relationship Issues

Relationship problems always arise with delayed ejaculation.

If a couple wish to start a family, that’s a problem – or a woman may think her man doesn’t find her attractive or arousing.

Relationship problems may mean it is too embarrassing to discuss delayed ejaculation.

Relationship problems may mean it is too embarrassing to discuss delayed ejaculation.

So why do men take so long to come? (How long is long, though? Well, as it happens, the normal range of intercourse is from two minutes to 9 minutes. That is a broad guide obtained by asking the man’s partner to use a stopwatch… yes, indeed. How romantic. This is the intra-vaginal ejaculatory latency time or IELT, as measured with a stopwatch.)

But, really, I know you want to know what is the normal delay before a man reaches the point of ejaculation?

The answer this question depends on your definition of normal, but there is a kind of consensus that between four and nine minutes is somehow “average” for IELT.

Get the stopwatch out dear..... I'm coming!

Get the stopwatch out dear….. I’m coming!

And of course, the average ejaculation time varies. For example, it’s just over two minutes in groups of younger men - no surprise there!

I wonder how other factors like infections can affect delayed ejaculation. For example, yeast infections can make a man’s sexual responses slower or faster. And sexually transmitted infections may also disrupt the natural length of sexual activity.

Of course, how long intercourse lasts depends on many other factors: how aroused the man and woman are before intercourse, how easily she reaches orgasm (or not) through vaginal intercourse, whether the man comes first, and if that means the end of sexual activity (as it usually does for heterosexual couples), how intimate the couple feel during sex, and so on.

Studying the causes of retarded ejaculation is not easy, that’s a certainty. But somewhere between 10 and 12% of men seem to experience it – an astoundingly high proportion, of whom very few seek treatment.

In a research project entitled Sexual Dysfunction In The US: Prevalence and Predictors, almost 8% of men had some degree of difficulty with ejaculation.

In the United Kingdom, a study on around 5000 men suggested just over 5% had some difficulty coming, though only 3% of men said the delays in ejaculating lasted six months or more.

Why Physical Causes Of Ejaculatory Dysfunction Matter

As a man ages, the sexual organs shrink, attaining full erection and sustaining a good quality erection become more problematic, and his testosterone levels drop, producing lower desire and arousal.

How intense is your ejaculation compared to hers?

How intense is your ejaculation compared to hers?

Men also say they feel less at the time of ejaculation (because of the less powerful muscle contractions in the PC muscle).

There is also an attenuation of responsivity because of some degree of degeneration of the neurological reflex arc responsible for the ejaculation reflex.

Why? well, because the fast conducting peripheral sensory axons are lost progressively from 30 years of age onwards. Also, collagen infiltrates the myelin sheath of the nerves, and skin (cutaneous) sensory units degenerate, and there is some degree of dermal atrophy.

There may be lower penile sensitivity, reduced spinal stimulation, and  an increased sensory threshold. And there is even evidence that the bulbo cavernosus or glandipudendal reflex doesn’t work in around twenty percent of men who have complete primary ejaculatory failure.

As you can see, these age-related degenerative changes will all make it harder to reach the ejaculatory threshold as a man gets older. 

And other things don’t help:  peripheral vascular disease, psychiatric problems, diabetic neuropathy, and social or emotional problems….

Masturbation Styles, Physical Problems, And More!

If a man uses an “idiosyncratic” (for which read hard and fast) style of stimulation during masturbation as a teenager or young man he may develop traumatic masturbatory syndrome, which you can read about here.

Some congenital abnormalities of the male reproductive system – in particular the Mullerian and Wolfferian ducts – may block the seminal ducts. And there are plenty of other possible issues around the development of the male genitals, or surgery used to correct them, which may cause ejaculatory failure. These are, of course, not quite the same as delayed ejaculation problems due to emotional issues. 

Those these are common problems, it may be the drugs we use to beat them which are the real cause of delayed ejaculation.

Those these are common problems, it may be the drugs we use to beat them which are the real cause of delayed ejaculation.

But we must keep in mind the practical and pragmatic as well: two researchers, Munjack and Kanno, identified over 20 medical drugs which may be responsible for retarded ejaculation. These include psychoactive, anticholinergic, anti-adrenergic, and antihypertensive drugs, tricyclic and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressants, and antipsychotics.

And drugs for the treatment of obsessive-compulsive or depressive disorders, excluding nefazodone and Bupropion, are linked to many cases of ejaculation delay or absence of orgasm or both.

If you’re in this situation, changing medication may help.

What about drugs to speed up ejaculation, you may ask? Problem is, there aren’t any. Although limited evidence exists that amantadine, Yohimbine and cyproheptadine have a limited impact. Amantadine promotes dopamine release centrally, while Yohimbine is an alpha-2 adrenergic antagonist. Cyproheptadine is a serotonin and histamine agonist. It has been shown that when men have delayed ejaculation as a result of taking SSRIs, Amantadine can reverse this effect; there is also evidence that Yohimbine and cyproheptadine can do the same.

Cyproheptadine has been successful in reversing retarded ejaculation caused by clomipramine, nortryptiline, fluoxetine, imipramine, nortryptiline and fluvoxamine.

Poor research confuses the issue, but Cyproheptadine, Yohimbine and amantadine are the drugs which hae been recommended for reversing delayed ejaculation in a few, very limited cases..

This research was reported in the Journal of Anthology volume 27 number 3.

Slow Ejaculation Is A Problem You Can Solve

Delayed ejaculation basically means a man cannot “release”, reach orgasm, ejaculate, get off, however you want to put it, during intercourse with his partner.

Or he may only be able to do so after a long, long time making love.

He is usually able to ejaculate during masturbation.


Aroused but unable to ejaculate - what a challenge!

Aroused but unable to ejaculate – what a challenge!

If a man is unable to ejaculate in all situations with all sexual partners this is described as “generalized” delayed ejaculation (DE for short).

If, on the other hand, his inability to reach orgasm and ejaculate is limited to certain situations or certain partners, it is called “situational”.

For example, a man may be unable to ejaculate during sex with one particular partner, or he may be unable to ejaculate unless he is stimulated in a particular way.

And another way of looking at this is that delayed ejaculation may be lifelong (which is less common) or acquired later in life (which is much more common).

Strangely, it can be something a man experiences with just one partner, or it can affect every sexual encounter he engages in…..and, even more strangely, it affects some men when they masturbate (although not many, I believe).

Attempts to work out how common this problem is have not been very successful – researchers are frustrated by the lack of data, so we just don’t know how common it is for men to experience an abnormally long time between vaginal penetration and ejaculation.

However from my work, I think one man in twelve suffers from DE. You can read more about the prevalence of delays in ejaculation in this scientific paper.

The best guess we have about ejaculation times is shown below. As you can see, anything over 9 minutes is unusual but not uncommon. Anything over 35 minutes is very rare.

Graph showing ejaculation delay times in the normal male population.

Graph showing ejaculation delay times in the normal male population.

This condition isn’t very well known, and not very well understood. Certainly, it’s the least talked about of all male sexual problems.

Understandable, really. When a woman’s boyfriend or husband can’t ejaculate during sex, it’s quite rare for him to seek help.

Often the problem goes on for years, frustrating both the man and his partner.

You might be that man, or your boyfriend or husband might be that man.

So my first message to you is this: there is every chance that my treatment program will cure the problem once and for all, and you’ll find that you’ll soon be able to ejaculate during intercourse normally. See the right hand column of this page for more information.

More About Ejaculation and Orgasm

When you talk to men who cannot ejaculate during sexual intercourse, a very clear picture of both the causes and effects of this problem soon emerges.

The problem is that the man is not reaching a level of arousal which would stimulate his orgasm. That’s why he doesn’t, or can’t, ejaculate.

Erection without arousal may mean delayed ejaculation

Erection without orgasm can mean long lasting intercourse with no ejaculation for the man.

So we can define delayed ejaculation as an orgasmic disorder.

More specifically, as “a condition where a man finds it difficult or impossible to ejaculate despite the presence of adequate sexual stimulation, erection, and conscious desire to achieve orgasm.”

Of course, the judgment of how much stimulation is adequate to trigger an orgasm is an awkward question, since sexual responses and arousal are so different between men.

Another important question is whether or not complete failure to reach climax and a long delay in doing so during coitus are two different conditions.

But then again, there’s a simple way of looking at this…

Orgasm and intercourse usually go together for men.

Most men wish to reach orgasm during sexual intercourse. Most women, too, probably!

Most men want to come during intercourse. That’s obvious, and it’s also obvious that many men come far too quickly for their liking – or that of their partner.

So when a man cannot mange to ejaculate at all, maybe there’s some kind of involuntary inhibition of his sexual reflexes at work.

The basic key to understanding retarded ejaculation (another name for delayed ejaculation) is this: the erotic sexual energy which moves from arousal all the way through to sexual orgasm is inhibited or blocked in some men, so that they cannot translate the desire for sex into a climax.

This has been called coital anorgasmia.

Solo sex - the only route to orgasm for a man with delayed ejaculation?

Solo sex may be the only way a man can reach orgasm and ejaculate.

Summary so far

Many men can reach orgasm through masturbation or oral sex but not through sexual intercourse, so it’s clear that delayed ejaculation can take several forms.

First of all, some men can only come through masturbation and non-coital stimulation.

Second, some men can only reach orgasm with masturbation.

Third, some men may ejaculate after prolonged and intensive penile thrusting during sex.

Fourth, some men can get to the verge of orgasm but can’t ejaculate during intercourse.

Fifth, some men are unable to ejaculate during intercourse no matter how hard they try.

In all these men, there is no problem getting an erection and sexual desire seems normal….. therefore the problem seems to be a failure of the orgasmic or ejaculatory reflex.

Characteristics of Delayed Ejaculation

Benefits of delayed ejaculation?

Would delayed ejaculation be OK if the woman always reached orgasm through prolonged thrusting?

There are no benefits to retarded ejaculation – not even the fact that the man is able to thrust for ages during lovemaking, supposedly giving his partner enormous pleasure from prolonged vaginal stimulation.

While some men have written to me to tell me that their partner reaches orgasm many times when they make love, I believe most women get bored and sore due to a lack of lubrication, and they certainly don’t derive much pleasure from their man’s staying power!

Furthermore, many men who can’t ejaculate easily are not particularly aroused by sex with their partner.

Some suggest that long-lasting intercourse without climax by the man is a bonus for the woman (because she receives more vaginal stimulation).

But this may really be based upon the remarkable fact that men often value performance over pleasure when it comes to sex.

The truth is very different: even if a man can achieve climax during coitus, he may need to spend a long time thrusting, with a very fast in and out rhythm before he comes.

In such cases, intercourse is usually seen as a negative experience by both partners. There is, for example, little room for intimacy, and the act of lovemaking becomes a chore rather than a pleasure.

One hears the expression “hard work” time and again from men with this problem. There are few references to pleasure. In general, the man stops thrusting after a while because his erection fails him, and the woman loses interest because she is sore or has lost her natural lubrication.

Is It The Woman’s Fault?

A lot of women think they are somehow responsible for their partner’s problems. Other women are disappointed that there is no opportunity to share an orgasm.

Often, they sense that the man is excessively in control of his sexual arousal and responses, and that this is somehow a reflection on their own capability as sexual partners.

And in addition, this has a massive effect on their ability to relax and let go into what should be a really intimate experience. No wonder women usually do not enjoy intercourse with a man who has delayed ejaculation!

In some cases, a man who has trouble ejaculating during intercourse may refuse to allow his partner to stimulate him orally or by hand.

Even when he does allow it, he may fail to reach his climax, which feels like a rejection and a direct statement that the woman is not “needed” by him – especially if he is masturbating to orgasm on his own.

And most of all, as you might expect, the fact that the man cannot ejaculate may make both partners lose interest in sex, which places strain on the foundations of the whole relationship.

It’s no surprise that most men feel unhappy and anxious about having delayed ejaculation, especially if it happens from their first sexual experience (lifelong DE).

The whole situation can become a major concern bordering on an obsession, with considerable fear and anxiety about any partner’s likely reaction.

Lovemaking becomes less and less pleasurable, sex becomes a burden. Making love is merely undertaken to please the partner and offer some sense of self-worth.

Eventually men may begin to fake orgasm or develop erectile dysfunction and possibly even feelings of sexual aversion and disgust.

Other pages:




This Is No Fun – For Anyone!

One of the big sexual dysfunctions for men is premature ejaculation, which is well-known and discussed widely on the Internet nowadays.

Much less well known as a condition called delayed ejaculation, in which a man is unable to ejaculate during sex and perhaps even during masturbation.

At first sight you might find this astounding! We all have a view of male sexuality as something that is ever present and always ready to surge into action. So the idea that a man might find it difficult to reach climax and ejaculate seems very strange to most of us.

And by the way, you’re not alone. One man in twelve finds it difficult to reach orgasm……

But if you’re a man with this particular issue, you’ll know that it can be a real challenge. 

Sex can last for a long time — sometimes even hours, without the slightest hint of orgasm and ejaculation, and your partner can become sore, frustrated and eventually angry as she tries to understand what’s going on.

In fact, some men with delayed ejaculation find the reaction of their partner can be one of the biggest problems: she may assume that she’s unattractive, or that you don’t desire her, but in any event it’s rarely a happy situation for both partners.

What makes this condition even worse, perhaps, is that very few men who have it seemed to want to seek treatment.

That’s ironic, because delayed ejaculation treatment isn’t actually very difficult — provided, of course, that you use the correct techniques.

And the way you approach the solution is dependent on what’s causing it. That’s where the trouble starts.

You see, there are many causes of delayed ejaculation, and they’re not all very obvious.

Perhaps the most obvious is when a man has learned to masturbate with a hard, fast technique using a lot of pressure — he has simply conditioned himself to ejaculate only in response to a level of stimulation which is impossible to replicate during sexual intercourse.

And then there are the deeper causes, where emotions and inhibitions deep in the subconscious mind affect a man’s attitude to sex in such a way that he finds it difficult to get aroused and ejaculate. No matter that he may have a hard erection!

If you look at this very carefully, you generally find men with delayed ejaculation are NOT really sexually aroused, so the solution often depends on finding way for a man to increase his level of sexual arousal. That way, he will be able to reach his “point of no return” and ejaculate without difficulty.

On this website I look at all of these issues, and I aim to explain them all simply and clearly, so that you can enjoy rewarding, powerful orgasms in a normal timescale with your partner.

You might find, like I do, that watching a video can be more helpful than reading text.

So down below I’m going to put a number of videos that you can watch about different aspects of the problem.

I think they’re a very good summary of delayed ejaculation and what can cause it — although since I recorded them, you would expect me to say that!

The thing I want to get across more than anything else, though, is that I’ve worked with delayed ejaculation in men for a long period of time now — about 12 years, in fact.

What I know for sure is that many men who have this problem despair of ever achieving normal ejaculation, and that is a mistake.

If you use the correct treatment regime, apply a little bit of commitment, and practice the fun, pleasurable sexual exercises with your partner, exercises designed to re-sensitize your body to sexual stimulation, you can be ejaculating normally within a few weeks in the majority of cases.

And by “normally”, what I mean is within the normal range of male variability — that is to say, like the 80% of men who ejaculate within 10 minutes of penetration.

So if that sounds like a pleasant alternative to thrusting for hours without managing to reach climax, I guess you’re right with me here on this site, looking for a solution — and that’s what you’re going to find. An easy, effective, self-help program to end delayed ejaculation that you can apply at home, in privacy, without seeing a sex therapist, counselor, or doctor face-to-face.

After all, who would want to go through the embarrassment of discussing something so intimate and challenging with a counsellor or therapist? Most likely, someone who’s never experienced the effects of being unable to ejaculate during sexual intercourse?

One thing I do mention to all my clients, whether they are on the Internet or in person, is that if you’re having relationship difficulties, they certainly can be a part of the problem.

And you might need to look at some of the deeper issues in your relationship in a way that you haven’t done before. But then again, no doubt you’re ready to do that, because you’re here, looking for a solution for your delayed ejaculation — and that’s what’s on offer to you on this website.

Videos on delayed ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation

Definition of delayed ejaculation

Delayed Ejaculation

Porn and Delayed ejaculation

How to control premature ejaculation

See also definition of delayed ejaculation, causes, and treatment.


Discover powerful and effective ways to stop delayed ejaculation!